Hi Everyone,

The series continues!

More on how to create a Conscious Relationship. This week’s blog is about what is NEEDED for intimacy and what BLOCKS intimacy.

As I’ve addressed in previous blog posts, there are four key components to a Conscious Relationship:

• Acknowledge that any partner or prospective partner is a mirror- designed to help you see what’s necessary for your betterment.
• Accept their humaneness without judgment.
• Support each other to heal the shadow aspects of self.
• Intend that at the core of this relationship is your MUTUAL SOUL GROWTH.

If this is the framework, then:

What are the qualities required of you?

What barriers stand in your way? and

How do you cultivate the qualities and overcome the barriers?

In terms of Qualities:

A Conscious Relationship requires:

a) A deep vulnerability that results in b) a profound intimacy.

Let’s just imagine that for a minute… sounds amazing right? Now let’s take a deeper look.

DEEP VULNERABILITY.

This is Adam and Eve, naked in the Garden of Eden. Naked with each other emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually. Yet, was this state of vulnerability earned by Adam and Eve? The answer is NO – it was gifted to them, it came from their innocence, whilst they were in a state of perfection.

However, they were also gifted with free will- and when their actions led to imperfection, they could no longer stay in that vulnerability, in that pure nakedness.

They couldn’t return to blissful ignorance – so, they were now on an evolutionary journey to either remain in paradise lost or to heal the shame of imperfection. To use knowledge of the darkness as a way to return to the light. Since they couldn’t undo what they had done or un-know what they had come to know, they had to challenge themselves to learn what they needed to learn, in order to conquer the darkness. I call this, the process of maturation from childlike innocence- through the trials of fear and bewilderment and shame into a mature self knowledge, a mature self love, a mature love of each other, and a return to the holy union. I guess, the Bible gave us the beginning of that journey, so too have other great spiritual texts given perennially similar stories, but it’s up to us to write the end.

Adam and Eve’s childlike vulnerability was replaced with shame. Shame that was symbolised by the covering up with the fig leaves. Here, the real work begins , how to heal the shame. The answer is to be deeply vulnerable, not in one’s innocence and perfection. That’s easy, to be vulnerable when perfect. The real work is being deeply vulnerable in a flawed, shame- based state. After the fall from grace.

Nothing’s really changed for humanity since then. We’re born into an innocent vulnerability as children, our nakedness is authentic and pure, but the trials of life replace that innocent vulnerability with fear and shame. Our shadow self holds our shame and our masks are the fig leaves we cover our shame with. Being vulnerable when you carry shame is extremely terrifying and so we develop defence mechanisms to protect us.

So, why must we be deeply vulnerable to be in a Conscious Relationship?

Surely, our therapists have told us to have boundaries, don’t over disclose. But remember, boundaries are different to barriers; vulnerability is different to emotional dumping; and the basic premise for a Conscious Relationship is that your partner is not abusive.

We must be deeply vulnerable to be in a Conscious Relationship because, like Adam and Eve, our evolution requires us to accept our flawed and imperfect human condition and use free will to chose to heal that shame in order to find a deep acceptance and self love that is then mirrored in the love our partner offers us.

We can’t hide from ourselves the truth of our imperfection. Nor can we hide this from our true love partner. We can’t reject or disown our imperfection , this is an illusion- it will continue to be mirrored. Rejection is mirrored and acceptance is mirrored. Deep vulnerability is the birth place of acceptance .

Deep vulnerability that you allow yourself within a Conscious Relationship will lead to a profound intimacy.

PROFOUND INTIMACY.

Let’s talk about the profound intimacy.

Now, you might ask : Why would anyone put up barriers to a profound intimacy?

Surely, that’s what we all long for !

Most of us have heard the saying :intimacy stands for in – to- me – you – see.

To the shame-based aspect of ourselves, intimacy is absolutely terrifying.

Why? Because intimacy is not just vulnerability. Showing the other person the real you and risking rejection is tough enough, but intimacy is also surrender. It’s allowing yourself to merge with the other person, by dropping your defences and thereby risking engulfment. It’s like finally making yourself visible to them only to risk becoming invisible, if they take you over.

A Union in Conscious Relationship, is not a loss of self- it is two mature selves capable of deep self reflection and safe in a healthy surrender to each other.

So to be ready for a Conscious Relationship, you must be open to a deep vulnerability and willing to experience a profound intimacy.

The barriers that prevent this from occurring are:

• False Fixed Beliefs ;
• Negative emotions, in particular, Toxic Shame; and
• Blocking Behaviours, otherwise known as – defence mechanisms.

These barriers lower your vibration, block intimacy and delay the evolution of your relationship from an unconscious or semi-conscious state, to a conscious one; or delay you from attracting a Conscious Relationship into your life.

1. False Fixed Beliefs.

• The primary, false fixed belief that blocks profound intimacy in your life is that you are inadequate or unworthy of receiving true love. “No one would love me if they knew my defects”, so you build barriers to protect yourself from humiliation, rejection, abandonment and judgment. These beliefs represent displaced, unresolved trauma. Look carefully at the word itself: belief. The middle section in the word belief is the word lie. This is a warning that your belief may have a lie, at its centre.
• The second most common belief that blocks intimacy is that you’re unsafe. “I’ll be engulfed, controlled, trapped, or suffocated. I won’t be able to maintain my sense of self, so it`s not safe for me to let someone in.” So you build barriers to defend against this.
• The third one is the lie of lack. “There’s no real love out there for me. I don’t believe in it, I’ll never be fulfilled, so why bother?” To protect yourself against being stuck in something unsatisfactory or disappointing, you build barriers to defend against that.

2. Negative Emotions: in particular, Toxic Shame.

• Healthy shame is a self-regulating emotional signal that moves through you when you have behaved inappropriately. It is there to guide you to correct thoughtless, inferior or unloving behaviour and improve your behaviour for next time.
• Toxic shame is when the emotion of shame is not moving through you but rather getting internalised in your cellular memory and becoming part of your self-story; your identity.

Now we have the negative emotion of toxic shame, embedded in your cellular memory, fuelling the false fixed beliefs of, unworthiness and inadequacy. In turn, these beliefs fuel the shame and the cycle continues to build within you until you have an inferiority complex; or in other words, a huge barrier to being vulnerable and an equally huge fear of intimacy. This toxic shame can come from your past experiences or it can be carried from your mother or father or previous generations who pass on the toxic shame. This is known as carried toxic shame.

What does this negative emotion, fuelled by those false fixed beliefs create? It creates the need for behaviours that block intimacy – or defence mechanisms. Negative thoughts – negative emotions – negative behaviours.

3. Blocking Behaviours: otherwise known as Defence Mechanisms.

Defence Mechanisms are a huge topic which I will cover at another time. However, I’ll highlight 15 below that are behaviours designed to mask the shame and protect you from perceived threat:

Hiding; deflecting; avoiding; withholding; minimising; (too little)

Over-giving; care-taking; martyrdom; catastrophizing; self-pity (too much)

Over intellectualising; blame; seduction; projection; addictions.

YOUR JOB:

Your job is to-

1. Identify your core false fixed belief and where it came from.
2. Identify what you are ashamed of that might be preventing you from attracting or wanting profound intimacy? What part of you do you want people not to see?
3. Identify the blocking behaviours you know that you engage in. Write one paragraph on each of them and how you have seen them block intimacy in your relationships. Explore when, where and how you use them and what you could do differently.

NAME IT   CLAIM IT   LET IT GO

Please click this icon to listen to my podcast on Barriers to Intimacy.