Breaking Down Your Barriers to Intimacy – Part 1: The Beliefs Barrier

What’s really getting in the way of love and connection?

Have you ever longed for a deeper, more meaningful relationship but found yourself stuck in the same patterns? You might crave closeness, but somehow end up pushing it away—or attracting people who can’t meet you emotionally. Why does this keep happening?

The truth is, intimacy doesn’t start with another person. It starts with what’s going on inside you. Often, the strongest force keeping love away isn’t circumstance or luck—it’s the invisible emotional walls you’ve built over time.

These are your barriers to intimacy, and they’re rooted in beliefs formed long before you ever dated anyone. By learning to identify and clear these false fixed beliefs, you can create the emotional space needed for deep, lasting, soul-level connection.

This post will walk you through the first major intimacy block—the Beliefs Barrier—and show you exactly how to recognise, release, and rewire the stories that have been shaping your love life.

How Shedding Emotional Barriers Opens the Way for True Connection

Think of intimacy like the Springtime of your emotional world—a season where love and connection can bloom. But just as nature prepares for Spring by shedding old leaves in Autumn, we also need to release what no longer serves us.

Your Barriers to Intimacy are like those Autumn leaves—they need to fall away to make room for something new to grow. And what awaits beneath those layers? Profound Intimacy.

A Profound Intimacy—do you like the sound of that?
Is that a destination you’d love to reach in your relationship life?

Before something that rich and meaningful can take root, like with any growth process, there are usually obstacles to face.

Without addressing these internal blocks, intimacy often stays just out of reach—more of a longing than a lived experience. Because when those barriers remain, the people around you can’t see or love the real you. And if you’re not truly seen, it’s difficult for genuine connection to grow.

Even if you’re glorious (and your friends keep reminding you that you are), if you don’t recognise and release these internal blocks, it’s hard for anyone to love you deeply. Real connection requires emotional availability—and that starts with self-awareness.

My Personal Story: From Building Status to Building Barriers

You know that old song, “I’ve Been to Paradise… But I’ve Never Been to Me” by Charlene? That was me before I began doing the inner work to dismantle my own barriers to intimacy.

At the time, I was a hotshot M&A lawyer working in a top-tier law firm in the Sydney CBD. Corner office, harbour views, personal assistant. I had the apartment, the lifestyle, and was well on my way to status and wealth.

But while my colleagues were falling in love and settling down, I was reaching for chocolate, cheese, crackers and cashew nuts. They were building intimacy. I was building walls.

Eventually, my eating disorder spiralled to the point where I had no choice but to stop and take a good, hard look within. That’s when my journey toward real intimacy began—first with myself, and later with a romantic partner.

What Are Barriers to Intimacy?

Barriers to intimacy are unseen emotional defences that keep people at arm’s length. They often begin in childhood, reinforced by painful experiences or messages we internalise without even realising it.

You might be warm, loving, successful—even self-aware—and still find yourself stuck in patterns of disconnection or avoidance. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

These emotional blocks are common—but they’re not permanent. Once you become aware of them, you can begin to dismantle them and open yourself up to the kind of connection you truly crave.

What Are the 3 Main Barriers to Intimacy?

In my experience—professionally and personally—I’ve discovered three key Barriers to Intimacy. To make these easier to remember, I’ve given them the acronym B.E.D. (after all, the topic is intimacy!).

B.E.D. stands for:

• BELIEFS – False Fixed Beliefs
• EMOTIONS – Toxic, unresolved emotions
• DEFENCES – Defence mechanisms or behaviours that block intimacy

Each of these can get in the way of authentic connection.
Today we’re focusing on Barrier one—and HOW to shed it or break it down. The other two barriers will be covered in upcoming posts.

Understanding False Fixed Beliefs (FFBs)

What Are False Fixed Beliefs?

Let’s take a closer look at the word belief. Right in the middle, you’ll find the word lie. Interesting, isn’t it?

There’s a saying that every word contains its opposite—like “unhappy” contains “happy.” In the case of “belief,” it’s a useful reminder that not all beliefs are rooted in truth. Some are built around old pain, misunderstanding, or fear—and at the centre of them is often a lie.

These False Fixed Beliefs, or FFBs, can rule you the way a trauma bond does. If you don’t become aware of them, they shape your identity, your emotional responses, and your relationships. The more you run them, the more they run you—and the bigger the barrier between you and true intimacy becomes.

3 Common False Beliefs That Block Love and Connection

Here are the three most common belief-based lies I’ve seen that block intimacy:

1. The Lie of Unworthiness (or Unlovability)

This one sounds like:

“No one would love me if they saw the real me. I’m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough, or desirable enough.”

If you carry this lie, you’ll likely build protective barriers to avoid the pain of rejection, abandonment, or judgement.

2. The Lie of Unsafety

This lie tells you:

“It’s not safe to love. If I get close to someone, I’ll be controlled, engulfed, trapped, or stuck.”

You might think, “I’ve just found myself—why would I risk losing that under someone else’s expectations?” So you push love away to avoid the overwhelm or emotional prison you fear relationships could bring.

3. The Lie of Unavailability (The Lie of Lack)

This one says:

“There’s no real love out there for me. I can’t be fulfilled. I may as well accept my lot.”

You may tell yourself you’re fine with your job, your friends, or your kids—and use that to explain why true intimacy isn’t part of your life. Deep down, though, there may be a protective barrier guarding you from disappointment.

What Lie Are You Believing?

For me, it was the lie of unworthiness:

“I’ll never be loved unless I’m perfect.”

Do you have a lie like that—something that’s been quietly keeping profound intimacy out of your reach?

Now imagine a life without that belief. How different could your relationships feel?

Let’s look at how to break that barrier down.

A 3-Step Process to Break Through Your Belief Barrier

How to Release False Beliefs and Reconnect with Love

There’s a process I guide clients through to help release the false beliefs that block intimacy. It’s simple, powerful, and something you can do at home.

Step 1: Recognise

Step 2: Release

Step 3: Restore (or Re-story)

Step 1: Recognise

This step is about becoming conscious of the false fixed belief that’s been running you.

Start by asking yourself:

1.  Which belief is blocking intimacy in my life?

• I am Unworthy
• I am Unsafe
• Love is Unavailable

2. Where did that false belief or lie come from in my history?

To answer this, put yourself into a reflective state. Find a quiet space, grab your pen and paper, and ask yourself:

• What is the youngest age I remember believing this about myself?
• What’s the memory from that age that may have set up this belief?

Then write. Write, write, write—until you gain clarity about how that belief was formed.

If you connect with a deeper truth during this process, you may organically begin to move into the second step, which is Release. You might notice yourself sighing, breathing out, or feeling a wave of emotion—this is your body letting go. It’s an emotional detox.

You may get teary, angry, distracted, or even restless. These are also signs that you’re accessing something real. Let those states come. Keep writing until you feel empty—for now.

Don’t quit because it feels heavy—stay with it until that weight begins to lift.
That’s Recognise—with a little bit of Release already starting to happen.

Step 2: Release

Once you’ve recognised what your belief is and where it came from, you’ve brought the subconscious into the light of your conscious mind. This is a powerful shift. Now, you can begin to actively release it.

Here are two techniques you can use:

• Breath Recycle

Breathe out the belief—letter by letter—down into the ground.
 Visualise the belief leaving your body and the new truth settling in.

For example:

“U-N-W-O-R-T-H-Y”, or “U-N-S-A-F-E”, or “U-N-L-O-V-E-D”

Then breathe in the opposite:

“W-O-R-T-H-Y” or “S-A-F-E” or “L-O-V-A-B-L-E”

Do this a few times. If all three false fixed beliefs are affecting you, repeat the process for each one.

• False Fixed Beliefs’ Statement Flush

This exercise helps you draw out the hidden dialogue that may be reinforcing your belief.

Start by writing a sentence that reflects your negative belief or lie using your dominant hand. For example:

“I’m not worthy of love.”

Then switch to your non-dominant hand and write a response—whatever comes up naturally.

The first few responses may echo the negative belief or agree with it. That’s okay. Keep going. Keep writing with your non-dominant hand until the negative thoughts begin to empty out—and eventually, something shifts. A new, more positive response will begin to emerge.

You’ll know it when you feel it—your truth will start speaking back. If you write long enough, there will be an emotional and energetic clearing, and a more compassionate, affirming voice will appear.

Step 3: Restore or Re-story

Now that you’ve released the old belief, you can create a new possibility for yourself—a new story.

Re-storying means shifting the narrative you’ve been living by. This is where you begin to imagine and build the kind of intimacy you truly want.

Use visualisation to see it clearly in your mind’s eye—like an athlete preparing for competition. Picture the love you want to feel, the connection you want to create, the kind of partner you want to be and have.

Then write it down.
Commit to it.
Take action toward it.

Every time you act, you assess. If something doesn’t quite work, you tweak, you adjust, and you keep going.

Put your attention on your intention, and don’t give up.

Your Next Step: How Life Coaching Can Help You Break Through Your Barriers to Intimacy

Letting go of false beliefs is the first step toward creating true intimacy. You don’t need to be perfect to be loved—you just need to be present, honest, and willing to do the inner work.

Start by naming the belief that’s been holding you back. Recognise it, release it, and replace it with a belief that reflects the truth of who you are.

In the next part of this series, we’ll explore emotional barriers—the unresolved feelings that quietly shape your ability to connect: Read Part 2 – The Feelings Barrier

You deserve love that’s real, reciprocal, and emotionally safe—and it starts with what you believe about yourself.