Hi Everyone,

It’s the first day of Spring in Sydney, the sun is shining and the air is fresh. Spring is for cherry blossoms and the blooming of true love, in my romantic eyes. For those in the Northern Hemisphere,now is your Autumn, your season of shedding the old in preparation for the new. Intimacy is like the offerings of Spring and your Barriers to Intimacy are like the Autumn leaves that must be shed in preparation for the bloom of a Profound Intimacy.

A Profound Intimacy, do you like the sound of that? Is that a desirable destination for you to arrive at, in your relationship life?

Well, before you arrive at a destination so special as Profound Intimacy, like with any growth process, there’s usually obstacles to overcome. These are your, Barriers to Intimacy.

If you don’t address these barriers, then intimacy will only be an aspiration, a dream, or a longing- instead of a tangible part of your relationship experience. No matter how glorious you are, (or your friends tell you, that you are) if you ignore these barriers or fail to shed them, then it’ll be hard for anyone to love the real you. Why? Because, they won’t know the real you. If you don’t look closely at these barriers and understand the limits they are creating in your relationship story, then you won’t be available for real connection.

You know that song, I’ve Been to Paradise… but I’ve never been to me, by Charlene, that’s how my life was before I learnt to take down my own Barriers to Intimacy. I was a hot shot M& A lawyer in a Top4 law firm, in the Sydney CBD, corner office, harbour views, a personal secretary. You’ve made it Gracie girl, I thought to myself. Waterfront apartment and on the partnership track to getting wealth and status. But whilst my colleagues were getting engaged and married, one by one, as we hit our late twenties and early thirties, I was looking for the chocolates, the cheese and crackers, the cashew nuts. They were building intimacy and I was building barriers.It wasn’t until my eating disorder got so out of control that I was forced to throw the towel in on my wealth and status goals and start doing the inner work necessary to find intimacy, first with myself, and eventually intimacy with a romantic partner.

In my experience, professionally and personally, I’ve discovered three key Barriers to Intimacy. To make these 3 Barriers easier to remember I’ve given them the acronym – B.E.D. (after all the topic is intimacy).

So what does B.E.D. stand for?
It stands for :

1. BELIEFS -False Fixed Beliefs;

2. EMOTIONS – Toxic unresolved emotions; and

3. DEFENCES – Defence Mechanisms – or behaviours that block intimacy.

Today we’re focusing on Barrier one and HOW to shed it or break it down.In my upcoming blogs, breaking down the other two barriers will be addressed.

What are False Fixed Beliefs?

Look at that word – belief. The middle section in the word belief is the word lie. Interesting eh? It’s said that every word contains its opposite within it- e.g. unhappy happy. In the case of belief it has the word lie smack bang in the middle of it. The moral of the story is:

Examine your beliefs as they may have a lie, right at their centre.

Beliefs that are lies, rule you in the same way that a trauma bond holds you hostage. If you don’t shift them, they put you in a trance and dominate you. If you don’t become conscious around what they are,they’ll shape your identity. The more you run them, the more they’ll run you and the bigger your barrier to true love becomes.

Here are the 3 key FFBs or lies that block intimacy:

1. The lie of Unworthiness (or Unlovability)
2. The lie of Unsafety
3. The lie of Unavailability

The first lie, is the lie that you are Unworthy of love and therefore unloveable. It goes something like this: “No one would love me if they could see my defects, I’m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough, desirable enough to get the kind of love I hunger for from someone I truly want”. So as you run that lie, you build barriers to protect yourself from humiliation, rejection, abandonment or judgment.

The second is the lie that it is Unsafe to love. That lie says, “I better stay away from intimate relationships otherwise, I’ll be engulfed, or controlled, or trapped, or stuck or suffocated. I won’t be able to maintain my sense of self, or be fulfilled, I only just found me, why would I want to risk losing me under someone else’s expectations -so it’s unsafe for me to let someone in.” So you build barriers to defend against this type of overwhelm or prison you fear relationships might create or be.

The Third is the lie that love is Unavailable – or the Lie of Lack. That one says “there’s no real love out there for me, I can’t be fulfilled. I may as well accept my lot. At least I have a good job, or good friends, or my kids to raise. Intimacy or true love, have no focus on me. Why bother? ”
So you build a barrier against disappointment.

What lie are you believing?

Mine was the lie of unworthiness. I’ll never be loved unless I’m perfect. Do you have a lie like mine,that has you blocking profound intimacy from entering your life? Imagine a life without that lie.
Now let’s break down your Barriers.

HOW DO YOU BREAK DOWN THESE BARRIERS?

You engage in a 3 Step Process:

1. Recognise
2. Release
3. Restore or Re-story

Firstly, What are you supposed to Recognise?

You recognise the false fixed belief that you’re running, or more accurately that’s running you.

How do you Recognise it? By asking yourself 2 questions:

1. Which lie is the one that is blocking intimacy in my life?

Is it that:
I am Unworthy;
I am Unsafe: or
Love is Unavailable?

Then you ask :
2. Where did that false belief/ lie come from, in my history?

You put yourself into a reflective state, in a quiet place, you grab your pen and paper and you ask yourself : what is the youngest age I remember believing this about myself?
What’s the memory from that age that may have set up this belief? and then you write, write, write until you get clarity about how that belief was formed.
If you connect with a deeper truth you’ll organically be moving into the second step of the process which is Release – perhaps you’ll notice yourself sighing or breathing out, recurrently. This is an emotional detox. You might get angry or teary or distracted. These are also emotional detoxes. Notice these emotions or states and keep writing until you feel empty. They signify that you’re on the right track. Don’t quit because it feels heavy, continue until you feel empty, for the time being, anyway.

That’s Recognise (with some release in it).

The second step is Release:

Once you’ve recognised what your ‘belief’ is and where it came from, you’ve brought the subconscious into consciousness. You can then use your conscious mind to pull it out, and release it:

Here are two techniques:

1. Recycling- breathe out the belief and breathe in the opposite. For example:
Breathe out the word ‘unworthy’ letter by letter, pointing and pushing your breath to the ground; then raise your head towards the sky and breathe in the word ‘loveable’ or the word ‘worthy’ letter by letter. Do these a few times. If all three false fixed beliefs plague you then do it for all three.

2. False Fixed Beliefs’ Statement Flush. This is writing out a statement that reflects your negative belief/ lie with your dominant hand then putting the pen in your non- dominant hand and responding organically- usually the first response will be a negative statement agreeing with your false fixed belief ; you keep writing the negatives until you flush them out and eventually your non- dominant hand responds with a positive,reply. If you write long enough, there will be an emptying of the negative and the positive will emerge.

Then we Restore or re-story-

What does this mean?

Re-store means we create a new story or a new possibility for ourselves.

This is where you can:

Use visualisation to imagine what you truly want ; you see it in your mind’s eye ( like athletes in training) ; you write it down, you commit to it and you take action towards fulfilling it. Every time you take action, you assess your result and you tweak and persist until you arrive at your destination. Put your attention on your intention and don’t give up.

I hope this helps you shed at least your Beliefs Barriers to Intimacy. Watch out for my next blog on Breaking Down the Emotional Barriers (painful or toxic emotions) to Intimacy. I look forward to welcoming you into the Spring of romantic love. If you want private coaching with me on this, please,

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