Breaking Down Your Barriers to Intimacy – Part 3: The Defence Barrier

How Your Protective Behaviours May Be Sabotaging Love

Have you ever found yourself pulling away just as things start to feel emotionally close? Maybe you’ve told yourself, “I’m just too busy right now,” or “I need to protect my peace,” when really—underneath it all—you’re afraid.

You might crack a joke instead of sharing how you really feel. Or you might go quiet, shut down, avoid plans, or even pick a fight—right when the connection is starting to deepen. These moments of self-protection can feel instinctive, but they often leave you feeling more alone than safe.

You may even promise yourself, “Next time I’ll be more open” —but when that moment comes, something in you retreats again.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These behaviours often happen beneath the surface, even when a big part of you wants love, trust, and emotional closeness.

They’re known as defence mechanisms—automatic responses that once helped you cope, but now quietly sabotage the intimacy you’re trying to build. You may not realise you’re doing them, but they’re often the final layer standing between you and the kind of relationship that feels secure, honest, and deeply fulfilling.

In the first two parts of this series, we explored the false beliefs and unprocessed emotions that form barriers to intimacy. If you haven’t read them yet, you can find them here:

•  Part 1: The Beliefs Barrier

•  Part 2: The Feelings Barrier

Now, we come to the third and final barrier in the B.E.D. framework: Defences—the behaviours and coping strategies that may once have protected you, but now stop you from letting love in.

 A Quick Recap: What Is B.E.D.?

From my years of coaching and personal growth work, I’ve found three core Barriers to Intimacy. To make them easier to remember, I’ve given them the acronym B.E.D. (because yes, intimacy and beds often go together):

• BELIEFS – False Fixed Beliefs
• EMOTIONS – Toxic, unresolved emotions
• DEFENCES – Protective behaviours that block closeness

Let’s talk about the Defence Barrier—and why the very behaviours meant to protect you can also isolate you.

What Are Defence Mechanisms—and Why Do They Block Intimacy?

Defence mechanisms are subconscious behaviours we adopt to protect ourselves from emotional discomfort—like rejection, abandonment, shame, or vulnerability. Most of them form early in life, especially if we grew up in environments where emotional expression wasn’t safe, welcomed, or understood.

These behaviours might have helped you cope back then—but over time, they become automatic. So automatic, in fact, that you might not even realise you’re doing them.

They can look like:

• Cracking jokes when things get serious
• Going quiet when emotions surface
• Criticising or dismissing others before they get too close
• Constantly keeping busy to avoid emotional presence
• Saying yes when you mean no
• Withholding affection or honesty
• Controlling every detail so nothing feels uncertain

On the surface, they seem harmless—even smart. Who wouldn’t want to protect themselves from being hurt again? But underneath, these defences often block the very intimacy you deeply want. Because you can’t be fully loved if you’re not fully seen—and defences keep parts of you hidden.

Let’s take a closer look at some of the most common defence mechanisms that quietly get in the way of secure, loving, connected relationships.

1. Avoidance

This can show up as emotional, physical, or even conversational distance. You might:

• Avoid emotional conversations
• Change the subject when things get personal
• Keep relationships casual or surface-level
• Distract yourself with work, hobbies, social media, or constant busyness

Avoidance is a powerful form of protection. It helps you feel in control and safe—but it comes at the cost of true closeness. If you’re always dodging deeper connection, people won’t feel truly close to you… and over time, you may begin to feel isolated, even in a relationship.

It’s often rooted in fear—of being engulfed, rejected, misunderstood, or losing your independence. But keeping love at arm’s length doesn’t make it safer. It just makes it harder to reach.

2. Hyper-Independence

This is the belief that you don’t need anyone, or that relying on others is weak. Hyper-independence tells you: “I don’t need anyone. I’ve got this on my own.” You might:

• Refuse help, even when overwhelmed
• Downplay your needs
• Avoid asking for emotional support

This is often rooted in past betrayals or disappointments. Relying on others felt risky, so you learned to rely on no one. But connection is built on interdependence, not isolation. Letting someone in doesn’t make you weak—it gives you a chance to build something strong, together.

3. People-Pleasing

You prioritise others’ needs over your own to avoid conflict or rejection. You might:

• Say yes when you want to say no
• Avoid expressing your true feelings
• Walk on eggshells to “keep the peace”
• Avoid conflict at all costs—even if it means losing yourself
• Downplay your opinions or desires
• Prioritise harmony at the expense of honesty

People-pleasing is often praised as kindness or being “easy-going”—but in reality, it’s a defence that hides your true self. When you over-accommodate, others may like you—but they’re not really loving the real you. And over time, you may feel invisible, resentful, or emotionally exhausted.

Real intimacy requires truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.

4. Sarcasm or Humour as a Shield

You deflect vulnerability by making jokes or using sarcasm to avoid real emotional expression. You might:

• Laugh things off when you feel vulnerable
• Use jokes or sarcasm to deflect serious conversations
• Stay “fun” instead of real
• Keep everything light to avoid discomfort

This defence can make you seem fun or laid-back—but it also keeps people from knowing what you really feel. Over time, this limits your emotional depth and blocks the kind of raw, honest connection that real love needs.

There’s nothing wrong with humour—but when it’s used to avoid your feelings, it becomes a wall, not a bridge.

5. Control

You try to manage outcomes, emotions, or people to avoid vulnerability and to feel safe. This might look like:

• Overplanning conversations or relationships
• Struggling with flexibility
• Trying to control the outcome of emotional situations
• Having rigid rules for relationships
• Avoiding spontaneity or vulnerability

Control is often fear in disguise—fear of the unknown, fear of being hurt, fear of losing yourself. If you’ve been hurt in the past, controlling your environment might feel like a way to avoid pain. But relationships can’t thrive under control—they need space, flexibility, and trust. Letting go of control doesn’t mean losing your power. It means inviting trust into the connection.

6. Withholding

You intentionally or subconsciously hold back—your affection, your thoughts, your needs. You might:

• Keep your feelings to yourself
• Avoid sharing what’s really going on for you
• Struggle to give compliments or express appreciation
• Keep parts of yourself hidden, even from someone you care about

Withholding might feel like you’re protecting yourself, but in reality, it creates emotional starvation—for both you and the person you’re with. It may be rooted in fear of being too much or getting hurt. But if you’re never fully expressing yourself, others won’t know how to meet your needs—or how deeply you care.

Connection requires vulnerability. Opening up, even in small ways, is how trust and closeness begin to form.

7. Criticism or Dismissiveness

Sometimes, defence shows up as sharpness—pushing people away with sarcasm, judgement, blame or criticism. You might:

• Pick apart your partner’s words or actions
• Use defensive or dismissive language to shut down emotional topics
• React with irritation when things get vulnerable
• Focus on your partner’s flaws instead of your own feelings
• Keep the emotional spotlight off yourself by staying on the attack

Criticism is often a cover for deeper needs. It can feel easier to say “You never listen” than “I feel unseen and hurt.” But without emotional honesty, relationships become battlegrounds instead of safe spaces. When love feels like it’s always on trial, it struggles to grow.

8. Emotional Shutdown

Instead of expressing your feelings, you shut down. You might:

• Go silent or cold during conflict
• Numb out or mentally check out when things get tense
• Struggle to articulate what you feel or need

Shutting down might feel safer than being exposed—but it also blocks connection. You may appear “fine” on the outside, but inside, you might feel disconnected from yourself and others. Intimacy can’t grow when one person is emotionally unavailable.

Why We Use Defence Mechanisms in Relationships (Even When We Want Love)

All of the defence behaviours we’ve explored—avoidance, hyper-independence, people-pleasing, control—begin with a core intention: self-protection.

At some point in your life, these strategies may have helped you feel safe. Maybe you grew up in an environment where it wasn’t safe to express your true feelings. Maybe you were ridiculed, abandoned, or betrayed after opening up. Or perhaps you witnessed adults around you using the same strategies to navigate conflict or vulnerability.

So, you adapted. You built behaviours to shield yourself—walls designed to minimise risk, pain, and rejection.

And while those defences once served a real purpose, over time they can become automatic. What once protected you can now imprison you—blocking intimacy, connection, and the emotional nourishment you truly want.

You might find yourself thinking:

• “I don’t need anyone—I’ve got this on my own.”
• “No one really understands me.”
• “If I let someone in, I’ll get hurt again.”

These are more than passing thoughts. They’re signs that a defence is still active—subtly shaping your relationships, often without your full awareness.

Defences are not character flaws—they’re learned emotional habits. But when they go unexamined, they become barriers that keep love out. To dismantle them, you need awareness, reflection, and a new way of relating to yourself and others.

That’s where we return to the powerful 3-step process we’ve been using throughout this series…

A 3-Step Process to Break Through the Defence Barrier

Just like in Parts 1 and 2, we’ll use the 3-step process to work with this barrier:

Step 1: Recognise

Step 2: Release

Step 3: Restore (or Re-story)

These steps help you become more conscious of your protective behaviours, gently shift them, and create new ways of relating that support connection, not sabotage it.

Step 1: Recognise Your Defence Patterns

Start by reflecting on a recent moment where you pulled away, shut down, or reacted defensively in a close relationship. Ask yourself:

• What behaviour did I use to protect myself?
• What emotion was I trying to avoid or not feel?
• Did I learn this behaviour from a parent, caregiver, or past relationship?
• What would I be risking if I didn’t use this defence?

Use journaling or stream-of-consciousness writing to explore this. Let it be messy, honest, and compassionate.

Step 2: Release the Need for Protection

Once you’ve recognised your defence mechanism and what’s underneath it, it’s time to gently release its grip.

Try these approaches:

• Name the behaviour out loud (even just to yourself): “I’m noticing I want to withdraw right now.”
• Use breath to ground yourself in the moment: slow, deep breathing helps signal safety to your nervous system.
• Talk to your defence with curiosity, not judgement: “Thank you for trying to protect me. I’ve got this now.”
• Visualise taking the armour off—imagine a shield or wall dissolving.
• Share your insight with a safe person: “When I get quiet, it’s usually because I feel exposed.”

This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be vulnerable before you’re ready—it means choosing to stay conscious and connected instead of defaulting to autopilot.

Step 3: Restore or Re-story Your Way of Connecting

After softening the defence, you now have space to create something new. Ask yourself:

• What would intimacy feel like if I didn’t need to defend myself all the time?
• What behaviours would I choose instead of shutting down or pulling away?
• How do I want to show up in love and connection?

Visualise yourself responding with openness, curiosity, and care. Re-story your pattern by writing it out:

“Instead of pulling away, I pause and breathe. I let someone see my reaction, and I stay present—even when it’s uncomfortable.”

With every small act of emotional presence, you’re restoring your connection to others—and to yourself.

Practices like breathwork, journalling, guided meditations, and coaching can support this shift. You might also try visualising yourself responding with trust and ease—and thanking your younger self for building those defences when they were needed.

Now, you’re learning that you don’t need them all the time anymore.

Your Next Step: Let Love In by Dropping the Defences

Breaking down your Defence Barrier isn’t about tearing down your walls overnight. It’s about understanding why they’re there, softening them with awareness, and learning that true intimacy can be safe—even for you.

As you begin to shift these long-held patterns, you create space for connection that doesn’t compromise your freedom, your identity, or your emotional safety. You start relating from presence, not protection.

In this 3-part series, we’ve now explored:

• Part 1: The Beliefs Barrier
• Part 2: The Feelings Barrier
• Part 3: The Defence Barrier

Each one plays a powerful role in shaping how you experience love—and how available you are to receive it.

When you address all three, you create the internal foundation for a Profound Intimacy—a connection that is secure, emotionally nourishing, and grounded in truth.