Relationships Coaching
Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone.
– Margaret J. Wheatley
TRUE LOVE AND THE CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
Deep connection with another human being, authentic intimacy, a healthy relationship, true love; call it what you will but for many people it’s the hallmark of wholeness and a fulfilling life. So how do we find it? This elusive true love – or ‘conscious relationship’ as I like to see it.
The people we attract into our lives are mirrors of our relationship with ourselves – how we see and value ourselves, our sense of self-esteem. If our relationship with ourselves is not a true and authentic one, then the search for true, authentic love from another will be rocky, if not elusive. To find true love, you must be operating from a conscious and psychologically aware state of mind. If you are being ruled by the urges and unresolved issues trapped in your unconscious mind, then you can only attract an unconscious relationship. As such, true love will be a longing or a fantasy and not an experience readily available to you. Before we move into an exploration of how you can achieve a conscious relationship and find true love, let’s examine two common forms of unconscious relationship (i.e. unhealthy relationship): addictive relationships and trauma bonds.
WHAT IS AN ADDICTIVE RELATIONSHIP?
If you engage in a relationship for the high of love or to avoid the pain of aloneness, regardless of serious, ongoing negative consequences on your well-being or even sanity, your relationship may well be an addictive one. The relationship addict usually chooses a romantic partner who creates intensity in their life and reproduces a familiar childhood pattern. People in addictive relationships will avoid authentic intimacy, as all addictions are a form of disconnection from the authentic self. They may dominate their partner, in order to assume a sense of control; or they may subjugate their needs and rights in favour of the needs of their partner as a way of seeking to hold onto them for the relief they provide from the addict’s unresolved pain. In using a partner that way, they are medicating with a relationship the way an alcoholic medicates with alcohol.
WHAT IS A TRAUMA BOND ?
When people experience a trauma, including physical and sexual abuse, or deep abandonment and neglect, the body can chemically alter. In the aftermath of the trauma, the victim may choose to bond with people who are destructive to them as a means of self preservation. This is known as a trauma bond and has sometimes been likened to Stockholm Syndrome. At times, in an effort to resolve the past, people with a trauma bond engage in trauma repetition, whereby they recreate situations similar to their original trauma imagining that, this time, they will conquer the perpetrator and win back their happiness or that which was stolen from them. Trauma bonds are a real set up for addictive relationships.
WHAT IS TRUE LOVE?
Love is a force or an energy. In a romantic relationship, true love is the purest form of that energy flowing between two emotionally mature people. It is regenerative. This occurs at a profound level within a conscious relationship. Namely, a relationship that has at its core, Attraction; Connection; Honesty; Acceptance; Respect; and Mutual Soul Growth. To achieve this requires a deep vulnerability that results in an authentic intimacy. A union in conscious relationship, is not a loss of self- it is two mature selves capable of deep self reflection and safe in a healthy surrender to each other. This is true love.
HOW DO WE CREATE A TRUE LOVE/CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP AND ACHIEVE AUTHENTIC INTIMACY?
There is little good in working on relationships with others until you firstly have established a clear and connected relationship with yourself. All relationships with others mirror your self relationship, on some level. You cannot attract and maintain a relationship with another that is of a higher quality than the relationship you have with yourself. Therefore, authentic intimacy begins with how well you know yourself and treat yourself. Many people say to me “but I want to surrender myself to love!” I say “who is this self you want to surrender? Describe her/him to me? Tell me about the you that you want to give up for love. Then once you have found her/ him tell me if you still want to give that jewel for anything”.
True love of another is not about self abandonment. It is about an extremely powerful and centered self love that you embody and that emanates from you in union with another. The union maybe through a work relationship, a familial relationship, a romantic relationship or any relationship with another living being, as well as, the planet as a whole.
A healthy conscious relationship is paradoxically the forum for achieving your maximum potential as an individual as well as humbling yourself in the spirit of compromise for another – for to give and receive are one in truth.
BARRIERS TO AUTHENTIC INTIMACY.
Barriers to authentic intimacy include false fixed beliefs, negative emotions like toxic shame and blocking behaviours, otherwise known as defence mechanisms.
False fixed beliefs (aka ‘the lies we tell ourselves’): The most common false fixed belief is that you are inadequate or unworthy of receiving true love. This kind of thinking represents displaced, unresolved trauma.
The second most common belief is that you’re unsafe; that you will be trapped, controlled or suffocated, that you won’t be able to maintain your sense of self.
The third is that there is no such thing as real love, that you’ll never be fulfilled, so why bother.
Negative emotions: in particular, toxic shame: Healthy shame is an emotion that moves through you when you behave inappropriately. It ensures your behaviour is not thoughtless, inferior or unloving.
Toxic shame, on the other hand, does not move through you. Rather, it is internalised in your cellular memory and becomes part of your self-story. Toxic shame can come from your past experiences or it can be passed on from your mother, father or previous generations. This is known as ‘carried toxic shame’. Toxic shame creates the need for behaviours that block authentic intimacy.
Blocking behaviours (or defence mechanisms): Defence mechanisms are designed to mask your shame and protect you from perceived threat. They include things like:
- Hiding, deflecting, avoiding, withholding and minimising.
- Over-giving, care-taking, martyrdom, catastrophising and self-pity.
- Over-intellectualising, blame, seduction, projection and addictions.
MOVING TOWARDS A CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
To find true love you need to overcome your barriers and heal shame. You need to identify:
- your core false fixed belief and where it came from.
- what you are ashamed of that might be preventing you from attracting or wanting a profound authentic intimacy.
- the blocking behaviours in which you engage.
From there, you can begin the process of examining your obstacles to true love, dismantling them, and finally achieving the life of connection and intimacy you truly deserve.
Are your ready to find true love? Our work will help you build healthy partnerships, friendships and intimacy, as you progress on your journey to wholeness.
